While Mrs May is still finalising The Deal – 95% there, with nothing but borders, national unity, and a bit of frictionless trade to sort out – and Mr Hammond is assuring us that Austerity is virtually over – I will use the lull to tell you all about my diet and exactly how I have lost so much weight.
Hang on a minute: we have breaking news that Dominic Raab has just realised that Britain is an island and geographically-speaking quite close to France.
After only four months as Brexit secretary, that’s pretty impressive: it’s so hard to step into a big new job and have all the salient facts immediately at your fingertips.
And rather sweet that he felt he could share with the world that he hadn’t quite realised this before: humility and self-awareness is such a rare commodity in a politician. The big question is however did he find this out – it’s not as if you can see France by standing on the white cliffs of Dover.
Oh – you can? Well, the poor man lives in Surrey, so he’s unlikely to know a thing like that.
Anyway, he was quick to reassure us that he didn’t think there was a risk of major shortages after Brexit – which is very reassuring, and I think I speak for all of us when I say I am very reassured – but he did go on to say that it might affect choice in the shops; that consumers might not be able to buy the things they want.
So not major shortages of things, but shortages of things you might actually want to buy.
Absolutely no cause for alarm then, but do make sure you have a good supply of champagne put by. And perhaps some loo rolls – you don’t want to get caught short with IZAL medicated. And bottled water never goes amiss in periods of civil uncertainty; I would suggest a hurricane lamp rather than candles: if the country ran short of roof tiles who knows when they would become available again.
Yes, of course I realise the poor won’t be able to afford all that – champagne on Universal Credit, for goodness sake? Especially when all the jobs make a run for the mainland. Besides, where would they store it all? Half of them are living in temporary accommodation. But at least they won’t have to worry about a shortage of roof tiles.
There have been unkind assertions about Mr Raab’s mental capacity – that he couldn’t even pass a Geography GCSE – but thankfully, a timely tweet from the Department for Education has proved that this is not the case:
‘The location of France is not and never has been on the GCSE geography curriculum.’
There you go then: poor man didn’t stand a chance if the don’t even teach it at school. Their follow-up tweet cleared the whole matter up:
‘Because the location of our nearest geographical country is the sort of thing routinely taught at Playgroup.’
I doubt Mr Raab ever went to Playgroup – a brain like that, he probably headed straight for Year 3.
I think we can leave Mr Raab there – let him find himself and anything else he hasn’t yet located – and have a quick round-up of what is left in the 5% still to be agreed.
Essentially, there are two main things: the Border, and How to Avoid Turning Kent Into a Lorry Park.
Apparently turning counties into parking facilities is not good for trade. Unless it can be resolved, the UK economy may come to a standstill. Which will be a good thing, because then Kent could go back to doing whatever it was doing before it was turned into a lorry park.
Or rather it couldn’t, but at least it wouldn’t be choked up by diesel fumes.
Regarding the Border: for clarification purposes, if Britain comes out of the Single Market and Customs Union, there must be a border between Britain and Ireland, but it must not be a) between Ireland and Northern Ireland, and b) in the Irish Sea.
Well, obvs. It would get very soggy and be no use to anyone.
To further clarify the clarification: the Border must a) exist, and b) not exist in any of the places it must exist in order to exist.
All answers to be sent co/ The Titanic. Do not write on both sides of the paper at once.
The Border has asked me to point that it is serious question and not a brainteaser in the back of the Saturday Telegraph.
And Schroedinger’s cat can keep its damn nose out of it.
There is an unexpected ray of sunshine coming from some of the Hard-Brexiteers: they have stated that they are committed to a Brexit at any price.
It is so reassuring to know that they will compensate us for any out-of-pocket expenses – job losses; failed businesses; extortionate mobile phone roaming charges; diesel-consumption while queuing for ferry ports; hospital admissions for inhalation of diesel particulates whilst queuing for ferry ports – to name just a few that immediately come to mind. They haven’t been precise as to how they will deliver, but I will furnish them with my bank details forthwith, and I would encourage you all to do the same.
There is another solution that so far hasn’t been discussed, which is surprising given that it would completely satisfy both sides – although now that Mr Raab has discovered that Calais is so near to Dover, he might be looking into it as we speak.
Much of France used to be owned by the English monarchy – remember the Normans and Plantagenets, and Elizabeth I carving Calais on her heart? Well, if the Queen could just take back all her lands, we could leave the EU as Britain, and stay in the EU as France.
I think even Schroedinger’s cat would be impressed with that one.
And we have run out of time, so the Budget and how I am solving the obesity crisis one pound at a time, will have to wait for my next message.