Theresa May has just found the Magic Money Tree. It is a huge Magic Money Tree – one with a billion pounds dangling from its branches – so it is a bit surprising she didn’t see it before. And she has used it all up to pay for ten politicians – which works out at a hundred million pounds each. They must be very, very good politicians, I suppose. Although it is a bit odd – there are some very, very good nurses and doctors who save people’s lives, which is quite important when you come to think about it, but she never thought of giving any of them a hundred million pounds.
She must also have forgotten that in this country we elect our politicians: we do not buy them with money raised from the people who had made it quite clear they didn’t want them in power.
And it turns out that these politicians are not at all special: they uphold laws that treat abortion as murder, they are anti LGBT rights, and they are particularly unsound about biomass boilers. And they learn about science, climate change, and boat-building from The Old Testament. They would not have been elected on the UK mainland had we had a chance to vote for them, which we didn’t.
The people who did vote for them also voted to stay in the EU, so their elected representatives have accepted a bribe to support the very thing they voted against.
So nil – all on the democratic front.
Using the DUP to prop up the Tory minority government is likely to derail the peace process in Northern Ireland, which could bring in its wake a new wave of IRA and Unionist terrorism: ask not what your Party can do for the country, but what the country can do for your Party.
But how has this come about? For months Theresa May was happily sailing our country full tilt and paddle-less into the side of the Brexit mountain, with the unshakeable belief that she was carrying out the Will of the British People.
Then in March she triggers Article 50, which gets the clock ticking at one beat per second towards a deadline two years hence. This gives England a bit over sixty million clock-ticks to work with. If that was pounds, it would barely buy a big red bus to put misleading information on.
Theresa May is adamant that she will not call an election, because what the country needs is a strong stable government to do Brexit. She will not change her mind because she is strong and stable.
In April, Theresa May decides she must hold a General Election because what the country needs is a strong stable government to do Brexit. She will get her predicted landslide majority because she is so far ahead in the polls, and she has told the voters not to vote for Jeremy Corbyn because if they do, it would be him negotiating with Brussels over Brexit.
One or two unpatriotic people point out that the choice would not be between Theresa May or Jeremy Corbyn at the negotiating table, but between Boris, career buffoon, and Kier Starmer, career barrister, former director of public prosecution and head of the Crown Prosecution Service.
Jeremy Corbyn goes in for a spot of blatant gerrymandering by freely and coherently answering questions, meeting the electorate, and explaining his plans.
Theresa May does not need to answer questions or appear in televised debates because nobody would be silly enough to vote for Jeremy Corbyn; she spends the electioneering weeks huddled in empty factories.
In May, manifestos start to appear:
Theresa May does not consult with her cabinet over her manifesto because it is her manifesto. She is giving the British people the opportunity to let her know what a brilliant leader she is, and she knows they will vote for her come May, come what May. And not only Tory voters will vote for her: UKIP will vote for her because she’s more Kipper than a kippered blue herring, and the Labour heartlands will swoon at her kitten heels because she has a) told them to, and b) promised them a rock-hard Brexit: she just knows that they won’t mind a bit losing their jobs, or being badly paid and unsafe at work, so long as someone will stop the foreigners. She can put what she likes in the manifesto.
The manifesto states that she intends freezing the pensioners – to death if necessary – and to gobble up their children’s inheritance. She is also going to snatch food out of the mouths of children and give them Coco Pops instead. A loud bang is heard and Theresa May is next seen leaving Number Ten hobbling on a heavily bandaged kitten heel.
Jeremy Corbyn announced his manifesto. He has cheated by consulting with his cabinet and putting things in it that people actually want. He has even costed his policies – if a little implausibly – which is more than Mrs May bothered to do. Or rather her policies were costed, they just hadn’t done the sums yet.
And then Jeremy Corbyn manages to convince his Labour supporters who voted Leave, that Theresa May’s Brexit will be a fluffy pussy cat compared to his, and if they vote for him they can have no foreigners and decent wages and three square meals a day. But he also manages to convince the Remain, Anti-Tory voters that he is much more pro-European than Theresa May so they don’t need to risk wasting their vote on the Libdems, who have promised they will fight tooth and nail against Brexit. They don’t notice that a) given that much of the Labour heartlands were overwhelmingly pro-Brexit, he has to deliver it, or lose his voters for the rest of eternity, and b) he is not concerned about what Brexit might do to the economy because he doesn’t know what an economy is.
Tim Farron, as leader of the most pro-European Party, is going to get tough on Brexit and tough on the causes of Brexit; he promises a second referendum on Brexit – a sure-fire winner amongst the 48% who voted to remain. He feels confident that his Party will do well, because Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable – away with the fairies on the economy, and half his voters are now Tories after their UKIP deviation.
The Liberal Democrat manifesto is judged to be the most sensible and economically viable but there is no point in voting for them because not enough people vote for them so it’s a wasted vote: every election not enough people vote for them, proving that not enough people vote for them so it is a waste of a vote to vote for them.
But then Tim Farron shot himself in a different part of anatomy on the subject of sin, which would have been a more suitable activity for the leader of the DUP.
This is a pity because if all the people who didn’t want Brexit had voted for them we could have stopped Brexit.
Then we had two terrible terrorist attacks, which put undue attention on the 20,000 policemen who have been cut under Theresa May’s watch. .
But still convinced that there could still be a Landslide for the Tories, the Anything-But-May-in-June brigade pulled out stops from every crack in every pavement that they tramped, stuffing envelopes through lethal letterboxes and banging on doors urging people to get out and vote against the Mayhem.
And then the unthinkable happened: on the 9th of June we woke up to a Theresa May who had lost her majority. As well as ten million negotiating clock-ticks.
Corbyn hadn’t won, but Theresa May had got a landslide lack of a mandate, and there was much rejoicing in the land.
But not in the Conservative Party: the Tory guns were trained on her from every angle, but nobody dared shout ‘Fire!’ because a leadership election could take months and they were due to start their Brexit suicide mission on Monday morning. And anyway, who wanted to be the leader of the Party who were about to embark on the deliberate dismemberment of the entire wealth and prosperity of the United Kingdom.
Besides, they’d probably get Boris.
So they were stuck with a train-crash of a leader, had no majority, but were in charge of the most serious constitutional change for 40 years. Theresa May carried on as if noting had happened: she only didn’t get her mandate because too many people voted for Jeremy Corbyn, and how can that be called democracy.
At the State Opening of Parliament, the Queen delivers the shortest ever Queen’s speech. It drops all the manifesto pledges, focuses entirely on Brexit, and the Queen reads it draped in the European flag to show solidarity with husband whose immigration status is about to be put in jeopardy.
Of course if Theresa May had noticed the Magic Money Tree in her Downing Street garden sooner, she might have been able to pay public sector workers better, house a few more homeless people, and employ enough policemen to prevent the terror attacks. Then people might have given her a landslide majority, and she could have used the billion pounds to fireproof every tower block in the land.