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The Election – One Month On

We have now had our new political regime in Great Britain for a month. I would call it a government, but that is a term left over from the days when our political parties relied on votes for their majorities.

But we mustn’t blame Theresa May about it: the people have spoken, and she always listens to The Voice of the British People. And what she heard quite clearly on the eighth of June was that we wanted her to give a great big dollop of our money to a small group of politicians to make up for the fact that not enough of us voted for her. If we hadn’t wanted her to do that, more of us would have voted for her so that she didn’t have to.

And she had no option: she had made it quite clear that she wanted a bigger majority, as she was the only person who could deliver Brexit.   The very Will-of-the-British-People was at stake.

Some unpatriotic people have been rather unkind about her using the Magic Money Tree to buy a majority. They say that had she not given this billion pounds to the DUP she could have used it to give every nurse a pay rise of £3,134.79. Or an even bigger one to the Doctors. Or restock the police force with thirty thousand more police. Or not cut the amount spent on each child’s education by hundreds of pounds. This is because unpatriotic people will nit-pick about literally anything.

But to recap: this one billion pounds from the Magic Money Tree, which could have been used to make our nurses a bit over three thousand quid better off, is being used to bribe ten Irish politicians to ensure that a minority government can keep our nurses a bit over three thousand quid worse off. I think that clarifies a point that may have been puzzling readers at home.

There has been much wild talk about the Magic Money Tree, so I shall take a moment to explain the positions of our Leader and our Leader-in-waiting: Theresa May doesn’t believe in the Magic Money Tree except to enable herself to keep demonstrating that there is no Magic Money Tree; Jeremy Corbyn is a great believer in the Magic Money Tree, which is grown on the ground-up bones of the filthy rich and fertilised by thin air; the Liberal Democrats don’t believe in the Magic Money Tree because they have sensible, fully-costed economic plans, but that doesn’t matter because nobody votes for them.

There has been much harrumphing about austerity since the election: Theresa May said that she had heard the British People say loud and clear that they were fed up with it, and several cabinet ministers said the public pay-cap should go. Which is probably why they almost immediately held a vote on it, and there was loud cheering from the party when the vote to retain it was passed.

But we mustn’t think the Tories are unfeeling about people’s pain and suffering: they feel deeply about the agonies of poverty, and homelessness, and any other malarkey the people who don’t vote for them get up to, they just don’t let it get in the way of their policies. They’re never going to get anywhere as the party of the JAMs (just-about-managing to keep the yacht and the villa in Tuscany going and still have a million quid at the end of the month to deposit in the Cayman islands) if they start worrying about the kind of people who wouldn’t know what to do with an off-shore account if it fell on their head from the 16th floor of a tower block in Kensington.

Look, when the Tories discovered the deficit in 2010 they had a choice: they could either increase taxation, which would have cost everyone about £1.60 a day, or they could embark on massive cuts to all essential services and institute a pay-cap for public sector workers. It was a no-brainer – Starbucks and Costa would never have survived.

Besides, if people thought they could have all the benefits of a Labour government and cancel out the debt for less than the price of a daily cup of coffee, they’d never get them to vote Tory again. Especially if they found out that much of the debt was money used to bail out the worst global financial crisis for decades.   People had to be made to see how very silly they were to vote Labour last time, and if they do it again, it will only be worse.

Theresa May has now stopped making jam from the fruit of the Magic Money Tree and got down to business: Brexit negotiations have finally begun and the sky is a-squawk with chickens coming home to roost – of which more next week. However, I would like to make it quite clear that there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that Theresa May voted Labour because, having realised that the only Brexit  would be a dog’s Brexit, she wanted to do everything in her power to make sure it wasn’t her being thrown onto the Brexit-heap at the end of the negotiations.