St Donald Saves Theresa from the EU Dragon With a Great Trade Deal

Last week the G20 briefly became the G18 as Theresa May and Donald Trump left hand in hand towards a secluded spot where they could indulge in a bit of mutual trade dealing. It frankly put running through fields of wheat into the shade, and when Theresa May returned to the dinner table she smiled like the maiden rescued from the dragon by St George, just as it was about to set fire to all the trade and industry of the land.

Donald was very much enjoying his role as St George, being a bigly fan of the guy, until a tweet from Steve Bannon informed him that the dude was half-Syrian and most likely a Muslim. Attempts to persuade Donald that St George was born hundreds of years before the birth of Islam just proves the lengths these people will go to infiltrate and take over. Urgent diplomatic talks at the highest level followed, and a total ban on Britons entering the United States was narrowly averted.

But soon Theresa May was smiling on the other side of her face as she realised that the only deal Trump could offer her in time to catch the British economy as she hurled it over the white cliffs of Dover, would be the one that everyone else had rejected because it was ruinously stacked in America’s favour.

She would be right to be upset: as a nation whose principal export is expertise in auto-foot-shooting, we are not going to do well out of a trade deal with the champion gun-slingers of the world.  And the only other country queuing up to make a deal is India, and they want easier immigration for their nationals in exchange.  It might not go down too well with Brexiters who are willing to give up all the benefits of a functioning economy so long as it gets rid of the foreigners.  She might want to invest in a large can of tear-proof mascara.

The Brexit negotiations have now finally begun, and to the great surprise of absolutely no one – apart from Theresa May and the Three Brexiteers (‘All for one and one for … oh, thank you so much, I will take it all. Name’s  Rees-Mogg; delighted to meet you’) – the EU has made it clear that we cannot have frictionless free trade if we leave the Single Market and the Customs Union. The Brexiteers cannot understand that such a thing could be the case, after they have specifically said that it would not be the case – the EU wouldn’t dare. They have been saying this for the best part of a year, and the EU has been saying for the best part of the same year, that yes they would.

So now the Brexiteers are completely surprised that the EU is doing exactly what they always said they would. Which just proves what a nasty, bullying bunch those EUs are and we will be well shot of them.

There has been much talk of the importance to our future of frictionless trade. It sounds like a particularly well-lubricated condom, but apparently it is to do with the ability of our imports and exports to move freely in and out of the country.   Head of the National Audit Office, Sir Amyas Morse, says there are no coherent plans in place for the new customs arrangements and border controls, or new computer systems to deal with it all; nor is there any extra funding to make it happen: it could lead to manual checks at the ports using paper and pencil.

Which is just as it should be with an exercise designed to take us back to the 1950s. And quite frankly, it’s hardly worth wasting millions on a computer system to deal with the new regime – as soon as everyone realise what a monumental pfaff it has become they’ll stop bothering, and Great Britain will find some other way of buttering its bread.

Anyway, apart from lorry queues at Dover tailing back to Carlisle, Sir Amyas foresaw no major problems.

And the other bit of good news is that we have our Master Diplomat, Boris, closely connected to the financial negotiations. Employing his trademark wit and charm he has suggested that they ‘go whistle’ for their money. He may have been misled by Theresa May sobbing into her muesli about it all going to be a full-English dog’s Brexit.  A chap like Boris knows that the thing to do with dogs is whistle at them, but I fear that something more may be called for by way of delicate and complex negotiating; you know how touchy these foreigners can be.  Some of them don’t even know what a Labrador is.

And while Boris is a-whistling, Liam Fox is complaining about all the negativity surrounding Brexit and is blaming the BBC and their left-wing, pro-Europe bias. Liam Fox is also complaining that he is struggling to balance damage from the loss of the Single Market with any benefits from new trade deals. Discuss.

And while readers at home are discussing, I would like to point out that nobody can claim that to be anti-Brexit is to be left-wing, given that Jeremy Corbyn has been busy sacking any of his front-bench who voted in favour of staying in the Single Market, and backbench dissenters are being threatened with deselection.

Sometimes the distance between Comrade and Commandant is depressingly short.

His visit to Monsieur Barnier, armed with a personalised Arsenal shirt and conciliatory messages, may have gone some way to assuaging the outrage of millions of Remain supporters who voted for him as a protest against the Tories and Brexit.

Or it may not.

Both sides are now claiming that as more than 80% of the vote went to pro-Brexit Parties, the whole country is backing a hard-Brexit. A win-win you could say. Although neither of them actually did.

And Mrs May might need an awful lot more of that tear-proof mascara to help her cope with feeling grateful to Jeremy Corbyn.