The Diva is still stuffing her face with brioche alla crema in Tuscany, so Geoffrey X has agreed to let us have a glimpse of his holiday in the Dordogne, in Diary of a Brexiteer:

Just got back from the Dordogne. The holiday was not a success. Everything very expensive. Oh for the days when the pound was actually worth something. The sooner we get out of the EU and take our proper place in the world the better.

Daughter came with the grandchildren for a week. They’re an unruly lot, her children. No manners. Don’t even get up when I come in the room. My daughter gets very cross when I mention it – seems to think that because they are only three and five I am being absurd, and then she storms out of the room muttering about Jacob Rees-Mogg and what century do I think I am living in. She’s a Guardian reader so it’s hardly surprising but now my wife sticks up for her!

Then, after two days the au pair left, and she blamed me – they both did. All I’d said was that it would be a jolly good thing when we get to decide who comes into the country. The girl had just burnt my best shirt and tried to blame it on the iron. I explained that there was nothing wrong with the iron and anyone who could read plain English could understand how to use one. It seemed perfectly reasonable to point that out, but the girl got into a right huff. And then she said I was being racist because I wanted to stop people coming into the country.

I told her that was nonsense, we just want to decide which ones we want to let in. Ones that can speak proper English for starters. Nothing racist about that.

And she just turns to me and says, ‘Well Geoffrey,’ – I let her call me Geoffrey, even though she comes from Romania where they haven’t even heard of steam irons – ‘Well Geoffrey, that’s just as well that you are not racist, not one little bit as you say, because most of us from the EU are white, but when you do your Brexit thing we stop coming because there are 27 other countries we can go to and stay as long as we like – so when you want people to do all your jobs you don’t like, they will come from India and Pakistan and Africa. Then she flounced out. Which is just what you’d expect from a Bulgarian.

She must have got that wrong. I voted out because we’re overrun with immigrants, and most of them are brown, black or yellow. Anyone who walks around with their eyes open can see that.

Then it turned out she was right after all! My wife told me that Brexit will only stop the Europeans, but make no difference to the rest of the world and his wife swarming over here. I am not a racist but I didn’t vote for Brexit to get even more black people in the country.  And she told me that if we want a trade deal with India they want us to let in more of their nationals in exchange. Them telling US what to do, can you believe it!!! It’s probably just the Remoaners making trouble.

But the wife might have been making it up: she has been behaving rather strangely lately. I suspect she has been reading the daughter’s Guardian. She told me that the Home Secretary has only just commissioned a study into migration, and why on earth didn’t she do that immediately after the referendum. She said, and I quote: ‘if they are going to risk the economy to take back control of our borders, don’t you think they might have found out first if it was actually causing a problem. A bunch of tossers, the lot of them.’ I pointed out that it would just back up what I’ve been saying for years; everyone knows it’s a problem.  I mean, why waste taxpayers’ money to tell us something we already know.  And she said – well, I am not going to say what she actually said. She was probably just hormonal, but sometimes I wonder if she didn’t secretly vote to remain!

I was quite glad to be going home at the end of all that.  Long queue at the border control at Calais – they’re desperate to keep all the migrants out.

No bodies in there I said – alive or dead – but a lot of booze, and you can’t stop me taking that. Not yet, he said: not until the new tariffs come into play.

What do you mean, new tariffs I asked him, and he could see I meant business.

Well Sir, when we leave the single market there’ll be tariffs to pay if you want to bring things into the country – it’ll be like before when you just got your couple of litres and 200 fags duty-free.

Well, I put him right there – I didn’t vote to leave the EU just so I had to pay to bring a carload of booze in.

And you know what he said? He said, and I quote ‘I think you’ll find you did, Sir’.

Ridiculous. I voted for Brexit so we could stop a bunch of foreigners telling us what to do, and now they’re going to charge us to take booze out of the country.

And then he said, ‘It won’t be France charging the tariffs, it’ll be us, Sir,’ he said.

The man obviously has no idea what he’s talking about – as if my own country would do a thing like that to me. No patriotism, that’s his problem.

Then just as I was about to drive on, he says ‘but you’ll be wanting to keep driving to and from France even if it does take a day or two to get through customs, because once we leave the Open Skies agreement there’ll be no more cheap flights between Britain and Europe. EasyJet have already relocated to Austria.

I think he was a BBC plant. I don’t know why I pay my licence. But the point is –

Editors note: Geoffrey had to pause here. He suffers from a severe form of Brexine spongiform imbecillus, a condition that affects a bit over 51% of the British adult population – rising to 60% of the over 65s. . The sufferers experience no symptoms but their country experiences debilitating loss of its economy and political power. Sufferers are frequently stopped in their tracks when complex thinking is required or their point of view is incompatible with inhabiting an advanced civilisation. A well-known sufferer, Jacob Rees-Mogg frequently retreats into the 19th century where the lack of universal education means he can feel almost normal.