Following an incident involving a gun at a school in Florida, Americans have united in an attempt to avoid further tragic loss of basic human rights, but the new puritans, otherwise known as The Young are intent on ruining things for everybody.
It happens every time a few children are massacred at a school: there are millions and millions of teenagers in America and only half a million assault rifles, but it is always the gun’s fault if someone gets hurt.
There have been the predictable outcries about the numbers of guns at large, but with only 150,000 more assault rifles than members of the US National Guard, we simply must not let our emotions lead to actions that would leave vulnerable gun dealers reduced to selling catapults and airguns to keep the wolf from the door, and millions of innocent men doing their weekly shop at Walmart with only a couple of sawn-off shotguns with which to defend themselves.
The fact that semi-automatic guns have been used in every massacre since the ban was lifted in 2004, and the fact that a gun capable of firing large numbers of bullets in a short space of time has been used each time to kill large numbers of people in a short space of time proves nothing.
Except that if people would only pay more attention to their lessons, and not waste it dodging bullets and hiding behind filing cabinets, they would know the difference between correlation and causation.
After Trump blamed the massacre on mental illness rather than guns, he was mocked, which was most unfair: here in Britain there are no legally held semi-automatic guns, but practically every week some madman breaks into a school and goes on the rampage with a geometry set, or runs amok in the geography department with a hockey stick, resulting in some pretty nasty bruises. Sometimes the tube of Savlon is needed.
Hang on, that was meant to read, ‘twenty children and four teachers lie dead’. My computer must have been hacked again by the anti-gun terrorists – they stop at nothing to convince people that guns are dangerous.
But Trump is a caring man, a fact observed by millions around the world when he generously donated whole rolls of kitchen paper to hurricane victims – tossed them over as if they were nothing. Obama just tore off a few sheets. Fact.
As a caring man – the most caring president America has ever had. Fact. – he knows that American children need to feel safe at school, and he is going to make sure they do. Fact.
The first thing he wants them to remember is that we are nearly 60 days into 2018 but have had only 18 school shootings, which means that there have been at least 32 days on which literally no one was shot, not even by accident!
So his number one suggestion was that children should get smart about which days they go to school. And parents should quit worrying every day if a madmen will get into the school and mow their child down with bullets, because it doesn’t even happen every day.
Secondly he is going to give the American people better prayers: people keep complaining that thoughts and prayers are useless against a madman with a gun, and he’s going to fix that. He’s going to make sure they get the biggest, best prayers America has ever seen: prayers so powerful they even work without having to kneel down.
Just imagine – no parent will ever again have to suffer sore knees because one of their children has been shot.
And how is he going to make this happen? Well number one, from now on they will be American prayers: all cheap, imported prayers that are shoddily made and put American lives at risk will be banned, and he’s gonna build a wall and make those son-of-a-bitch, no-good prayers pay for it.
And number two, all prayers will be Christian prayers. Muslim prayers will be deported, and prayers from countries that contain known Muslims will no longer be allowed to enter the country; people carrying concealed Muslims will be arrested, and there will be a total ban on all semi-automatic Muslims.
Furthermore, special colleges will be opened to teach people what sort of thoughts they should have when their children are massacred: research shows that these thoughts are 20% more effective than a placebo. The anti-gun fascists will complain that the children are still dead, but they would.
And then his coup de grace: arming teachers. Such a great idea – someone would say the work of a genius. And yes, that someone would be Trump. But that’s only because he has never taken a creative writing course, so he hasn’t learnt the importance of show, not tell.
So long as the teacher has their concealed weapon constantly trained on the door at the back of the classroom, and never for a moment turns round to write something on the board without asking a kid in the back row to be sure to let him know if a gunman appears at the door, and so long as they are expert at knowing whether the teenager coming in the door is about to open fire or has just come to deliver a note about this afternoon’s hockey match, American children will be completely safe.
There might be an adjustment period where deliverers of notes about hockey matches demand the right to carry arms to defend themselves from teachers who are not very good at telling the difference after all. But panic-mongering that this could lead to a shoot-out every time someone comes into the classroom is just typical overreaction from the usual quarters.
The idea is gaining ground in this country: when interviewed, the headmaster of a well-known public school said, “That would teach the entitled little toe-rags to muck around in my geography lessons.” Although later he denied saying this, insisting that he didn’t teach Geography.
Jacob Rees Mogg said that the problems in America stemmed from the fact that people simply didn’t have enough children to feel they could lose one or two without undue upset; as a father of six he said it was “uplifting to think that on any given day one might get a call from the headmaster to say that one would be £40,000 a year richer.” Quite. When one thinks that the poor man has to find over £200,000 a year in school fees, one hopes with all one’s heart that the call comes in time.
However, his hopes were dashed when Liam Fox, Secretary of State for International Trade announced that there were no plans to include madmen with assault rifles in any free trade agreement with America, stating that the health risks from chlorine-washing were still unknown.
The debate about guns will no doubt continue and we can but hope. The important thing to remember is that if God had intended man to walk around without an assault rifle in his hand he would have
I’m sorry, but we have run out of time for the end of that sentence.