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Boris has resigned and people are very pleased. 

But before they crack open the champagne and hang up the bunting, they should think of what we are about to lose:  

We have never before had a leader who is so skilled and prolific at sincere apologies: it doesn’t matter what he’s done or how often he’s done it, he gives a master class in genuine and heartfelt apologistics 

And he has been so keen to demonstrate this vital skill to the nation that he has kept up a continuous stream of things for which he needs to sincerely apologise.     He even made himself ignorant of laws he’d created himself, just so he could show us how deeply sorry he was for breaking them.    Frankly, the man’s a hero.     And up until now, the only people able to operate at this level were card-carrying psychopaths, so to find it in the leader of our country is a chance in a million – and to throw it away because of a trivial detail like having a leader who lies about everything makes it impossible to run the country, completely ignores the fact that he is a man absolutely determined to solve the grave problems the country faces.

And so keen is he to demonstrate that he’s the man for the job that he has worked flat out to create the grave problems in the first place. Name me one leader who has bothered to do that? And it takes a lot of bother to create a trade deal that involves so much red tape that exports crash by fifty percent and the M20 has to be turned into a world-beating outdoor toilet to cope with the queues of lorries.    Or a protocol that whichever way up you look at it, separates part of a country from itself, and risks breaking up either the United Kingdom or an international treaty – a difficulty he proposes to solve by breaking another treaty he signed only yesterday, meaning he could add losing the country’s reputation and credibility to all the other grave problems he’s determined to put right.  

  And who else, when found in breach of the ministerial code, rolls up his sleeves and changes the ministerial code, to say nothing of being found in breach of human rights by the ECHR and then threatening to leave. Well, I have to admit there are others who have done that, but just because the others have not been savoury, doesn’t mean that deporting refugees to a country known chiefly for genocide is a bad idea. 

But worst of all, without him to tell us that everything about our country is World Beating, we will literally stop being World Beating and discover that we are a very small, breaking-up nation, with a failing economy, trade brought to a standstill, food we can’t afford rotting in the fields, and unable to get an ambulance because there’s either no fuel or they are all stuck in queues at A&E.  

But before we get too disheartened, we should hang onto the fact that he hasn’t actually gone anywhere yet. And where most people come on, announce their resignation, bravely fighting back their tears (or don’t quite manage it), Boris walked out to the lectern – with his wife looking cheery as all get out, Jacob R-M looking full of the joys of Potato Famines and Corn Laws, and Little Dorries standing by just waiting to be asked – and proceeded to tell us about all his marvellous achievements (yes, of course he was making them up) and remind us just how many people had voted for him.  

In Opera, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings.   With a Boris, it’s not over till the fat man hands over the keys to Number 10.